long distance caregiving

Having just visited with my mother, I am left with a variety of thoughts. Some pleasant and others not so pleasant. The primary thought after this trip is “use it or lose it.” Having heard this saying for what seems like most of my life, I am now witnessing its manifestation in my mother.

The spectrum of caregivers…

How did we get to this point or place? What role did I/we all play in this process? Stylistically, we each have different ways of looking at situations, problems and questions. As I mentioned in previous posts, our roles in providing care for my mother are transitioning from a passive/semi-active one to a more active role. I am now going back in time wondering, questioning my role/our role in the process. What could we have done differently to avoid or at least postpone where we are now?

I am a firm believer in self critiquing. Not to the point of paralysis but to find ways to improve whether it be myself or a situation that I am involved in. That being said, there are enablers on one end of the caregiving spectrum and encouragers/challengers on the other.

My siblings and I have the spectrum covered. Some of us are enablers and others encouragers. It is just dawning on me that having varying degrees of the spectrum represented in my family is a good thing. This diversity provides us with conversation points of view as we discuss the variety of observations that we have and the needs that my mother is experiencing as we participate in the aging process.

Working out differences of opinion…

A problem occurs when one of us “digs our heels in.” Fortunately, we are all flexible enough in our thoughts and beliefs that we can “see” other viewpoints and we are not afraid to compromise in order to find a workable plan. After all, what is best for our mother is what guides our thoughts and actions.

We have had differences of opinion. Housing is an example. Some want my mother to move to a different situation. Others do not. My mother wants to remain in her home and continue an independent lifestyle. We respect that choice and know that we may have to step up our involvement in order to make that happen.

Missing the mark is inevitable…

One of our “misses” has been in her exercise routine and physical therapy needs. In the not too distant past, my mother was physically active. Hiking, swimming, volunteering at a botanical garden and various church activities kept her involved and active. As her illness has progressed, we have become more sympathetic to her desire to discontinue and decrease these activities. This to my thinking has been a mistake. We should have pushed her to continue her exercise classes in her community and to continue her activities that included more social interactions.

The “use it or loose it” stage…

We are now at the “use it or lose it” stage of the process. In my mind, we have not challenged or encouraged my mother enough. We should have challenged her to continue her exercise classes and her swimming. We should have encouraged her to do anything other than sit in her favorite chair and read. Yes, she does get to the library, to the grocery stores and pharmacies. But the activity she does have is not enough. I am afraid that her lack of activity is resulting in increased muscle weakness and that her lack of interacting with others is impacting her speech.  These are my beliefs and are not supported by medical diagnoses. These are just my observations. Compounding these observations is my mother’s medical condition. She has polymyositis. This disease causes muscles to deteriorate at a different rate than is otherwise “normal.”

Our takeaway…

What I do feel very confident about is that we should have made better decisions as a group on which activities we would let slide and which ones we would offer more encouragement on. I will be reflecting on this for some time. What could we have done differently? Discovering the answer will allow me to help others with similar circumstances. I will keep you posted.